Spanderverse: Points of View, Two
by harsens-rob
Summary: Willow: Spanderverse miniseries. Spanderverse story 22: Willow is dictating a journal for herself on what happened in the moments before Buffy sacrificed herself.


Disclaimer: Legal stuff, don't own characters, haven't made any money, this is for entertainment purposes, no profit earned, lawyers go away. –_kisses-_

**Emails are welcome as are honest reviews. I respond to all correspondence. In addition check out the 'Spanderverse' Forum under the Buffy topic. **

POV: Anya

Spoiler Alert: There are tidbits from past episodes and _especially_ the Spanderverse series.

Notes: Story number Twenty-Three in the Spanderverse-universe, following "_Spanderverse: Points of View, One"._

Everything from the television series through the defeat of Adam also occurred as depicted, in the Spanderverse.

People's thoughts are depicted in _italics_. You'll find emphasis depicted with an underline.

More Notes: BIG thanks to Joss, the ME creative team and the crew of one of the best shows on television. WE MISS YOU! And THANK YOU JOSS and DH COMICS for Buffy: Season 8!

Thanks to the authors of Fanfiction, wherever you may post. It's probable that I've read at least one of your stories somewhere. I apologize for recycling concepts inadvertently from the plentitude of stories I've read.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Spanderverse: Points of View, Two**

Willow

"**You're up, Willow."**

**Those were the last words that my best friend said to me. I still cannot believe what's happened. It's been days and when I'm not wandering around in a daze, I'm crying near hysterically. I don't know why I'm writing this down, really. I mean, I'm going to burn these pages as soon as I'm finished because it's too dangerous to have these things lying around. There are just some things that I need to say that I can't share with Giles. Yeah, most of this is just a retread of what I wrote for him for his 'unofficial journal' about what I saw and did before things fell apart, but there are some private things, too. **

**Things that I'll have to come clean about with Tara; I'll need her help.**

**So, Buffy told me that I was up because Anya was in serious trouble; Glory had brain-drained her and she was one of the babble-people. I was the only one that had a shot at restoring her sanity. Not that Tara isn't a great witch, but I'm stronger with the pure power side of things and I figured that's what was going to be needed. It was a get in, get out kind of deal and Tara's magic tends to involve lots of chanting when she's at her best. Or that's what I'd always seen anyway. She surprised me later. **

**Anyway, I was tapped to try the sanity restoration spell that Tara had found to reverse what Glory had done. As I passed, Xan grabbed my hand to wish me luck and there was such hope in his eyes… I couldn't let him down. I remember swearing to get Anya back, but inside I was shaking. I didn't know if I could do it really, not without killing the mortals and leaving Glory laughing at our blowed up brains.**

**After I'd followed Anya into the construction yard, I watched for Glory. The 'god', as she was so fond of calling herself, saw Ahn and made it easier than I thought it'd be. I was wracking my brains while trying not to draw too much attention to myself on how I was going to get me, Anya and Glory all in the same place. Glory took care of that for me.**

**It was… wow. I mean, first came the 'ew, gross!' moment. See when I started the spell in my mind, my fingers began sinking into Anya and Glory's heads! I didn't realize that would happen and it freaked me out. I have to say I'm proud of myself though… I kept my cool and went on with the verbal incantation.**

**The next part is really a blur. I'm kind of hoping my writing about it will fill in some of the details. I remember light in my face… bright and bluish-white. And there was this feeling like something was inside my head and trying to push out, but it didn't hurt. It wasn't like the Alien Chestbursters, or anything. It was more like just this steadily growing sense of pressure. And this almost insane need to yank my hands away and stop, but I didn't. I could never look in Xander's face again if I had wimped out right when he was counting on me most. So, I could kind of see these weird images in my mind; even now they don't make much sense and there wasn't any sort of context to them. It was like flashes in the dark and then having an image you barely saw burning on your retinas for a few seconds. I think there were chickens, a large man with red hair, a pair of satin slippers, a row of lockers, one of the scabbies bowing, the Sunnydale Motor Court sign, and the Magic Box cash register before the destruction-thing that happened there.**

**I can guess that they were images from Anya and Glory but I don't know if I was the only one to see them or if the other two were able to see bits of my life, too. Hope I didn't 'share' any images of some of the stuff Tara and I do!**

**I think there was a loud buzzing sound just before the spell ended, but I'm not sure. Anyway, I'd meant to grab Anya and then head for the nearest pile of crap we could hide behind, but that didn't happen. It was, instead, like being thrown by a giant.**

**I have no idea what Anya or Glory were going through or what was happening around us during the spell. I'm just glad that it worked and we didn't end up being transpossessed by each other or something.**

**I know that I must have blacked out because Tara was lightly slapping my face and pleading with me to wake up. I can't tell how long I was out, though. I don't think it was long, just because the battle was still raging on around us.**

**This is the part where Tara surprised me. I think, maybe, I underestimated her. I feel badly about it, like I disrespected her or something. It's just, Tara is very much about 'Mother Earth', 'White Magic', 'Healing and Blessing' and stuff. And I love her for it! I wouldn't want her to change… she's very nurturing and empathic and very, very loving. But there have been times, especially in the last two months or so, when she's really been riding me about not using more powerful magicks. I hate saying this out loud (or writing it) but I think I started to… maybe just a little bit… to feel superior to her, because I know that power for power I'm stronger. God, that sounds so arrogant. It's not really coming out like I mean it to. I'm so glad I'm getting rid of this before she has a chance to read it. She's a very sensitive soul and I don't want her feelings hurt.**

**Anyway, she was really going at it with the spell casting in a way I've never seen before. Her incantations were short and she was speed yelling them, almost faster than I could understand. She kept us both safe while I was out of it, something that she's had to do a few times, actually. I guess I just didn't appreciate before that just because she doesn't like to show it, doesn't mean she doesn't have plenty of magical might all her own, anyway. When I think of the things we could do together, I get shivers. And I'll need her on board for what's coming, once I can confirm it can be done and find out how, of course. But I'm not ready to put that into words, yet… not even on paper where no one but me is going to see them.**

**So Tara and I were huddled down and I was looking desperately for Dawn or Buffy. I suppose I should have had my mind on Anya… that was my bad, but since I'm trying to be honest with myself here, she didn't even cross my mind at that moment. I mean, it's not that I hate Anya, but I've never really liked her either, very much. I've never gotten how a person could willingly become a demon… how does that happen! I could never take up D'Hoffryn's deal and I guess I kind of look down on her because she did. She didn't even make the decision to become human again, it just happened somehow when she lost her powers. Not that I wouldn't have helped her anyway, even if Xander didn't care about her so much. I'd help anyone I could to get out from under what Glory did to those poor people, but that's not going to make us best buds or anything.**

**So Tara was sounding kind of scared because she was running out of juice and there was so much going on around us, all of it bad. I think my ego might have gotten the best of me (another thing I seem to being doing a lot lately – come on Will, if we're lying to our self, then this is pointless). Because, I thought I could just take over and start magicking everything in sight and instead I ended up with my face almost in the dirt. At least I bought us breathing room, though, so we could retreat.**

**It was somewhere around here that I might have heard Dawn's voice. I'm not sure; I was mostly concentrating on getting Tara behind something, because Glory's mind victims were starting to throw stuff at us. I do remember thinking that I hoped Buffy made it to Dawn and not Giles. Okay, here comes the guilt again, but I can't say that I was 100 percent sure that Giles wouldn't have… done something. Ugh! I don't even want to think this… but I was kind of scared of Giles for the first time, ever. He seemed extra-Watchery and that argument in the Magic Box about what to do if the ritual started was very much on my mind. I was actually relieved when Giles was forced to duck down with us and couldn't get to Glory's tower. I'd pretty much figured out that was where Dawnie was, but that didn't do anything to help me get there. Great... more guilt for being relieved that Giles couldn't help Dawn. I mean, he really wouldn't have not helped her, would he? That's crazy thoughts… except… yeah, see why I'm feeling all these icky feelings around Giles these days. Guilt, Guilt, Guilt.**

**The good thing, though, is that Anya also made it around to us and she seemed completely recovered. So… 'Good on Me', I say. There wasn't a lot of time for congratulations, though. We still had a battle to wage… of course, it was hard to wage it when we had to duck down to keep from getting beamed in the head by bricks. You know, Anya still hasn't thanked me even! I guess that shouldn't shock and surprise. And, I mean, I didn't do it for the accolades, anyway. But, you'd think she could have just expressed a tiny bit of gratitude. Or maybe I'm just being sensitive because it's Anya. We have been a little wrapped up in… I don't even want to hear the words. Buffy… and now here comes crying again.**

**Okay, I'm back. That was a solid thirty minutes of tears. It's a good thing that Tara is out grocery shopping and then heading back to Buffy's house. Or, I guess Dawn's house. NO! I'm not going to start crying again. Anyway, I'm here at the dorm so I can do this, destroy it and hopefully get some of this pain off of me.**

**So, Anya was back. My big spell worked the way we'd hoped and she didn't seem the worse for wear, which was kind of stupid of us, but things were really chaotic. I mean, of course there were effects of what she's been through. I really need to try to be more sympathetic toward Ahn for the next few weeks. It's easy to forget what she's gone through when she sounds like herself. I didn't mean that to sound as catty as it might have.**

**I'm afraid this is the part I've been dreading so badly. It's when things started to go wrong.**

**We heard… we heard bodies hitting the ground really hard. But it was Buffy and Glory. Buffy was still fighting and Glory, that bitch, didn't even look phased. I mean, there has to be a limit to EVERYONE, hasn't there?**

**We tried to rush out to help, but the insane guys still had plenty of ammo to throw. So we decided that we'd try some sneaking instead. While we were making our way around stuff and dodging the occasional brick we heard Dawn scream for Spike. That part was really clear and then there was another body hitting ground sound. I never realized how sickening that noise is. We couldn't check, but we sort of agreed it was probably Spike coming off of the tower. So we knew that Dawn was still alive and that both Buffy and Spike had at least made it up the tower. With Glory and her minions and the wackies fighting us, we figured at least Dawn was safe for the time being. I wasn't really worried about Spike, 'cause hello, vampire physiology. But I was worried about Buffy. She'd already gotten her ass handed to her a few times by Glory and now she was out there fighting hand to hand again. I didn't know where the robots were, but I don't doubt that they hadn't lasted long against her. They were really only for a diversion anyway. I wanted to get to wherever Buffy was so me and Tara could try some spells. When we're together we can do things that are really hard otherwise. But we ended up in a dead end and had to retrace our steps while also watching out for the rat-faces and the victims who were helping Glory out.**

**That's when my hero, Xan, stepped in! I don't know what made him think of that huge wrecking ball, but it was just what we needed when we needed it. We actually heard Glory grunt, we were so close to her (we didn't know it, cause we were ducked down behind some cement blocks).**

**One she'd been knocked down, I saw a glimpse of Buffy headed back toward the tower, but I wasn't able to talk to her. Giles, Tara and I were too busy noticing that the brain-sucked guys were all standing around confused and stuff. They'd stopped throwing bricks, finally. Anya, though, she didn't even care what was going on. This is why I feel bad, because I didn't give any thought to what she must have been going through. She broke away from us and ran at Glory with this crowbar above her head.**

**Before we could even grab her she was hitting the invulnerable woman in the face with it. I was so scared she was about to get herself killed, but she was in our 'line of sight' at that moment so I couldn't use a spell to shield her. I should have just used a telekinetic push, but I didn't think of it. **

**God, poor Anya. She was just crazed. I mean, swinging that crowbar over and over until finally Xander grabbed her. I don't know where he came from, but he wasn't hurt so I was really happy. And then Glory became Ben! Ben! **

**I still don't know how a human body could have also been a god, but apparently from what Giles says, this sort of thing is possible. It's kind of like possession, except physically instead of just spiritually. Maybe that explains why Glory had to drain sanity from people, too. It must have been hard being an immortal and powerful god trapped in a mortal and weak human body. I'd probably be driven a bit nutty, too.**

**That's when I thought we had won. I mean, the only scabby things we saw were dead. The unbalanced people were just milling around and Buffy was on her way up to release Dawn. And Anya was at least on the road to recovery… obviously she wasn't 'okay'. We won, everything worked out after all.**

**So Ben was really looking like he was hurting and I was trying to decide what we could do to help. I figured Glory had lost her shot. Another few minutes and the chance of opening her gate would be gone and, hopefully, that meant she'd be too. But Giles wanted us to take Anya away and help the other victims. I feel badly that they didn't get their minds back when Glory was defeated. Honestly though, I couldn't have managed that reverse-sanity spell again, anyway.**

**So all of us, except Giles were trying to comfort Anya because she was really shook up and who could blame her? Giles stayed to see if he could help out Ben and maybe to make sure that Glory didn't try a last minute return while Buffy was getting Dawn down from the tower.**

**I saw Spike from the corner of my eye and he was getting up from the ground. He looked like crap, but vampires heal really fast. I was going to tell Xan that he might want to just check on him, but Anya really looked like she needed him more than Spike did right then, so I just stayed quiet. It surprises me how well Anya has been about their break-up. I guess I pretty much underestimated her, too. Kind of a running theme with me. I need to do better about giving others the benefit of the doubt and not be so judgementally about them. Especially ex-demon girls and current demon best-friend boyfriends.**

**And then… oh, God, why? We won! We thought we'd won. But then there was that sound of a body hitting the ground again, and I never, ever want to hear it ever again. It was one of Glory's damned demon servants and it must have already been at the top of the tower because there was this light up there and then a portal was opening. Glory was defeated but they'd still managed to open her god-damned gate!**

**We were all just freaking out then. Looking at each other and not knowing what to do. But Xander yelled out for Giles and took off. I saw him veer off toward Spike though, instead of going to help Giles. Anya yanked on my arm and then she was also running for Giles and I was thinking 'why bother?' in the back of my head. **

**But Tara, bless her, wasn't going to go down without doing something so we ran to help Anya. Besides, if anyone could have figured out a way to close a gate to Armageddon on the fly, it's Giles.**

**But Tara and I didn't make it that far. I'm not sure what happened, actually. There was light and thunder and roaring winds and sounds were just deafening all around us. But I saw this demon or whatever and he had a large mace. Behind him was another portal, smaller than the one above our heads, but obviously the walls were beginning to fall.**

**I just grabbed Tara, 'cause we were both dizzy anyway and couldn't really stand. So we just held each other. All that was in my mind was praying that God would allow us to go out at the same time. Maybe one of those lightening bolts raging above our head would strike us down and it would be sudden and too fast to realize what had happened.**

**I thought in the back of my head about Buffy and Dawn. I knew Buffy would never hurt her sister, no matter what so I wasn't really wishing that she'd… do what she needed to do. I mean, the only way to stop things was Dawn's death, according to Giles. I knew that wouldn't happen.**

**Mostly, I just kept my focus on Tara. I wanted her to be the last thing I saw and I was praying really hard that she wouldn't be killed in front of me. I don't know what I'd do if she were killed while I watched. I think that might drive me crazier than all of Glory's victims combined.**

**More guilt… I didn't even think of Giles, Anya, Spike or Xander right then. You'd think Xander would have been in my thoughts, at least; even more than Buffy and especially more than Dawn. I love Xander more than anyone, except maybe Tara, but he didn't even cross my mind. Of course, it might have been because I was so intently focused on Tara. Now, though, I just feel really, really bad about it. **

**And then everything just stopped. Like we all froze, everything froze. Only it didn't really because suddenly I could hear people on the streets calling for help. And there were sirens all over the place.**

**I looked up and the portal was gone and I didn't even think. I just started smiling. Stupid! I can't believe that all I could think about is that we were saved. I didn't think about what could have… what had to have happened.**

**Tara gasped and I turned by head to look at her, but she wasn't looking my way. Her eyes were wide and already there was a fresh tear rolling down her cheek. I followed where she was looking with my eyes and I wish to God I hadn't. I wish I'd never seen what I saw, but I'm kind of glad at the same time that I did because it wouldn't be right for Buffy to have done what she did to save us and for us to not see her sacrifice. It's getting really hard to write now around the wet spots on this paper, but I need to finish this. I need to get it down, even though no one can read it and I have to destroy it afterward.**

**Because I saw Buffy's body lying there in dirt and rubble and she was bent backward at an impossible angle and I knew. I kind of blanked out then, I think, because I don't remember now walking to where she lay or Tara leaving me standing. One minute we were looking at her from a dozen yards away and then next, Tara was looking up at me with such grief in her face I could barely stand to look at it. And I remember that I was so cold all of the sudden and I couldn't stop shaking and then Tara had me in her arms and she was crying on my shoulder and saying my name but I couldn't look at anything but my best friend lying there looking wrong. God, she looked so wrong! She was supposed to be laughing and making a quip that was something pop-culturey that Giles wouldn't get and we'd laugh at how clueless he was about modern American teens (well teen and way early twenties), but that wasn't happening. It wasn't happening and Buffy was just lying there and I knew that she wasn't going to laugh anymore and I wanted to scream and scream, but I'm not sure whether I did that or not.**

**I don't know how long we stood like that, but I became aware that the others had joined us. Giles was sitting on the ground because his ankle was hurt. Dawn was bleeding kind of heavily, it looked like, but she said she was fine. Spike… oh my god… Spike just collapsed in these heavy tears. I've never seen a vampire cry. I didn't even know that they could weep… not like that. Thank God for Xander. I don't know how he did it, but he stayed together and he was like the rock I could focus on so that I didn't lose my mind.**

**And then that stupid Detective had to show up. We didn't even have time to get over the shock, but Giles kept his cool. He took complete control of the situation and gave us things to do. Xander had to literally hold up Spike and get him to safety because the sun was rising really fast. I don't know how bad Spike was hurt right then, or if he just couldn't stand because he was feeling like the rest of us: like Fate had just stepped on all of us and left us broken and useless, but still alive.**

**I barely followed Giles and that Detective's conversation. Rick! That's the detective's name… I couldn't remember it for a minute. Anyway, when Giles sent me off to find a tarp I didn't even ask why. I was just so relieved that I could move. That I could think of something other than my friend.**

**When I came back, I almost asked where Tara was. I'd come that close to forgetting that she was taking Dawnie to the hospital.**

**I knew why Giles wanted to do what he wanted to do with Buffy. We had to bring her home; I'm glad he didn't just leave her there. I didn't immediately know that he was going to keep her sacrifice secret (although looking back, I seem to recall that was what he was talking to Rick about) until I had to put Buffy on the tarp. Even then, I just couldn't roll her in it… I just couldn't do that! It was wrong; it still feels so wrong!**

**I might not have hated Anya more than when I saw her rolling Buffy up like she was… I don't even know! Like she was just a thing! Buffy Summers was a HERO. She was… I loved her and she was my hero and now she was being treated like waste. Like something that wasn't needed anymore and was just going to be rolled up and thrown out. **

**Of course, I knew better inside my head somewhere, but my heart hated Anya and Giles both for a few minutes. That kind of evaporated when Xander had to put her in the trunk and I saw how much he was hating himself for doing it. Poor Xander! If I loved Buffy, Xander worshipped her. And I know that none of us feel her loss as much as Dawn, but at that time Dawn, Spike and Tara were on another planet as far as I was concerned. It was all I could do just to get through the next moment, so the only ones on my mind were those who were in front of my eyes.**

**So we brought Buffy home and we prepared her and we buried her. And I miss her every single day, every hour of every day. It's only been three days… I'm talking like it's been years or something, but those few days have felt like three endless months.**

**But here's why I need to get this stuff off of my chest and it's why I'm so scared. Yeah, I'm pretty terrified, because I can't afford to get this wrong. Because…**

**Sorry, diary, if I can call you that. I had to take a break for tea because what I have to write down is so horrible that I can't burden anyone else with it. Not until I'm sure I can fix it. **

**Buffy came to me in a dream this morning. Or, should I say a nightmare?**

**I was standing at her gravestone and she walked up beside me. I turned to her and told her how much I missed her; how much time we were supposed to have to be friends and fight the good fight and how unfair it all was that she wasn't here.**

"**You don't know the half of it, Will," she said to me and her eyes looked so haunted by pain.**

**When I asked her what she meant, she just said that she thought I already knew. Then she told me that she jumped into a Hellgate and it had sucked her life-force dry.**

"**Now, what do you think happened to my immortal soul, Will?"**

**In my dream I screamed. I woke up then and thankfully I must have not yelled out for real, 'cause Tara was still sleeping next to me. We were in the Summers' house, sleeping in Joyce's bed. We had spent the day putting Joyce's things in order. It was something that Buffy hadn't had time to do and it was past time for it to be done. It's not a fun task.**

**Anyway, I went to the Summers' bathroom after I woke up enough to remember where I was. I didn't want to wake Tara, so I didn't use Joyce's restroom. **

**When I was in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and started really crying heavily. Do you know how hard it is to sob silently?**

**I think… Diary… I think that Buffy is in a hell dimension. And the thought of what she's going through… it's tearing me up inside. I have to fix this! I have to find a spell! Somehow, I'm getting Buffy back. I'm rescuing her from whichever hell that gate sent her to. That's why she came to me; she needs my help. I have to find a way. **

**God, Buffy! Please hold on! Please, stay strong… don't forget who you are and please, please know that I'm finding a way to get you out of there!!**

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

End

**Spanderverse Series**:

_BTVS seasons 1-4._

Spanderverse: After 314

Spanderverse: Spike

Spanderverse: Dracula

Spanderverse: Burial

_BTVS: Real Me_

Spanderverse: Confusion of Three

Preludes

Tensions

Old Friends

Hospital Visits

The Risks of Glory

Hunting Our Needs

The Family We Choose

Falling Apart

Sunnydale Antics

Feints and Counter-Feints

Pathways

_BTVS: The Body_

Coming Together

Songs of Pain and Comfort

Battling with a God

Glory's Moment

Spanderverse: Points of View One

Spanderverse: Points of View Two


End file.
